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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29462802">Can I Be Him</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/upsteadheart/pseuds/upsteadheart'>upsteadheart</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Chicago PD (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:21:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,149</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29462802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/upsteadheart/pseuds/upsteadheart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>6x06 ends differently. When Hailey’s having about the worst day of her career on top of dealing with personal life messes, as usual only one person is at her side. Until it’s not just him anymore, which causes a rift between Hailey and her partner. Can they make it back to each other? Or will this be the first thing to truly come between them? Not one for the Upzek fans.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jay Halstead &amp; Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Can I Be Him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There wasn’t a word in the dictionary that could be used to describe the way Hailey was feeling right now. And if there was one, she pitied the poor guy who came up with it.</p><p>Sadness, regret, anger… None of them even began to measure up to the ways her insides were flipped inside out, the nausea that swam around in her, and her own ghosts and demons being unpacked one by one.</p><p>When the knock came at her door, she actually felt worse, if it were at all possible. Feeling the way that she was, just about half an inch away from another breakdown, company was not high on the list of things she wanted right now.</p><p>Getting up off her coach, and padding over to the entrance, Hailey pulled open the door, revealing her partner on the other side, and actually finding the potential to smile for the first time throughout the entirety of this hellish day.</p><p>“Hey.” She dropped lamely, leaning against the doorframe. “Hey.” Jay smiled back softly, making her head stop spinning for even just a second at the comforting sight of her partner’s warm gaze.</p><p>“Drove by Moreno’s on the way over. Picked this up for you.” Jay told her, holding up in front of her a bottle of her favourite tequila. And not a cheap bottle either. </p><p>And there was another pain point to feel guilty and sick about. Hailey had fallen into a man’s bed when she got drunk and emotional after thinking her partner and best friend was dead, and she still hadn’t found a way out of it.</p><p>Adam had called it ‘having fun,’ and suggested they keep it going. But for some reason, the more they did, the sicker she felt about it.</p><p>And proof positive of her instincts, here she was having just about the worst day she’s had in as long as she can remember, Adam nowhere to be found, and her partner’s first stop after work is to pick up her favourite bottle of tequila and come over with it at hand.</p><p>She couldn’t not smile at how sweet a gesture that was. “Thanks, Jay. That’s really sweet of you.” Hailey beamed, her arms crossed over her chest.</p><p>“I’m not gonna ask you how you’re doin’, cuz we both know you’re just gonna say you’re fine, which we also both know is completely BS. So, how about we crack this thing open, and I can just be an ear and a shoulder to lean on tonight?” Jay suggested, finally getting a real smile out of the blonde.</p><p>Hailey nodded her head, stepping aside to let him in with the tequila.</p><p>“He was tellin’ the truth.” Hailey lamented the loss of the kid she pushed over the edge earlier in the day. Leaning both arms on the counter top, running them through her thick blonde locks, as she slowly nursed the three fingers of tequila Jay had poured her.</p><p>“Kid was at Humboldt park the whole time.” She went on, emptying herself out.</p><p>Hailey looked up at her partner, seeking out his comforting gaze, as she shook her head at the actions of the day partially behind them.</p><p>“I was so desperate to get a confession. I didn’t even consider the fact that he could be innocent. I just kept poking at his pain… his wounds.” The more she rambled on, the tearier her eyes got, tugging at Jay’s heartstrings.</p><p>Jay changed positions, coming to sit down beside her at the island, placing his drink down in front of him. “Hailey. You did what you were supposed to do.” He tried to reassure her. Clearly to no avail, based on the heartbreaking look in her puffy, red eyes.</p><p>“You had a suspect in the box without a lawyer, you got him talkin’, and you exploited a weakness.” Jay further clarified.</p><p>Hailey looked back at him, her shattered expression cutting through him like a knife. “I exploited a 20-year old kid’s tragic past.</p><p>“All the evidence pointed to Devin. I would’ve done the same thing.” Jay argued. A sigh escaped the blonde, as she ran a hand through her hair. “I know.” She agreed, not that it made any of this even an ounce easier on her.</p><p>Jay took her hand in his, their digits squeezing the others’. “I’m here for you, Hails.” Hailey gnawed at her lip, nodding her head, as she sniffed back a couple of tears.</p><p>“I know. You always are.” She dropped, thinking back on their three-year partnership, and all that they’d been through together and gotten each other passed. They’d both be sunk a couple dozen times at this point without each other.</p><p>When Hailey looked up at him, their eyes linked for just a couple seconds too long. Just as Jay was about to open his mouth and say something, the doorbell rang, interrupting him.</p><p>Jay and Hailey both looked at each other curiously. “I – I didn’t know you had company tonight. I’m sorry.” He rushed to tell his partner.</p><p>“No, no, it’s fine. I’m – actually not expecting anyone.” Hailey assured him, as she went to go answer the door.</p><p>Just a few seconds after her, Jay followed suit to see who was showing up unexpectedly. “Hey, Hailey.” Adam? Jay thought to himself.</p><p>He turned the corner to the entrance just in time so see Adam and Hailey in the middle of a kiss. “Oh –” He dropped instantly, making the two of them jump apart and flip around to face him.</p><p>Hailey immediately saw the broken puppy dog look on Jay’s face, making her insides cripple fully. Her mind numb, and her mouth incapable of forming a single word, let alone string together a full sentence.</p><p>“I – I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were – I’m sorry.” Jay shook it off, grabbing for his jacket at lightning speed, not able to get outta there fast enough.</p><p>“Jay.” Hailey’s voice came, pleading. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He dropped, unable to look at either of them, as he found the door.</p><p>“Jay!” Hailey called one more time, but he couldn’t stop and look back behind him.</p><p>The detective raced towards his truck and climbed inside, leaving that heartbreaking scene behind him and locking himself inside the tinted security of his truck.</p><p>The tears sprung to his eyes faster than he could stop them. Ouch.<br/>The following day at work was in a word, hell. Hailey thought trying to come to terms with having pushed Devin over the edge was the worst pain she could feel? It was nothing compared to having her favourite person in the world act like she wasn’t even there.</p><p>Hailey was a pro in the interrogation room. She’d cracked guys three times her size in less than five minutes. Making a man sweat was no big task. But Jay was former special forces, he was literally trained to not say a word in the event that he was held captive by the enemy.</p><p>Their desks were face to face with less than five feet between them, and Hailey couldn’t get him to acknowledge her once. He was hurting, and it was her fault.<br/>“Halstead, Upton.” Voight’s rasp called for their attention, making both heads snap up in his direction. “We got a tip on Whitehead’s address. I’m gonna text it to you. I want you to sit on that house till he gets home.” He ordered.</p><p>Hailey didn’t miss the way Jay’s face fell at their boss’ order. “Yes, Serge.” Hailey answered for both of them, grabbing her jacket off the back of her chair, while Jay was already about a dozen paces ahead of her.</p><p>Having to sit in a tight, confined space together for almost an hour now made the silence deafening. “Jay, you are gonna have to talk to me at some point.” Hailey told him.</p><p>“I have nothing to say to you, Hailey.” Jay answered her shortly, keeping his eyes up ahead, only frustrating his partner that much more.</p><p>A sigh escaped the blonde. “It’s not like I did anything to you, Jay.” She attempted to argue.</p><p>“No, you didn’t, Hailey. It’s what you didn’t do.” He told her, continuing to flick through whatever it was he was looking at on his phone.</p><p>“Oh, for God’s sake.” Hailey dropped defeatedly, grabbing his phone out of his hands and holding it out of his grasp.</p><p>“Give me my phone back.” Jay spat. “No! Not until you talk to me!” The blonde released, at her absolute wit’s end with this fight.</p><p>“What are you, five?” He threw at her, reaching for his phone, and missing every time. He puffed, absolutely over this.</p><p>“My best friend and my partner, Hailey. You hooked up with my best friend, and neither of you said anything to me.” His accusatory tone bit.</p><p>Hailey shook her head, exhaling through her nose. “It was just a couple of nights with absolutely no meaning. We said we weren’t telling anyone until we could agree on what it was we were doing.” Hailey tried to defend them and their actions.</p><p>“So, I’m ‘anyone’ now? Great, thanks. That makes it so much better” Jay threw out, managing to grab his phone back from her this time.</p><p>Hailey rolled her eyes, absolutely exasperated at this point. “Jay –” “Wow, wow, wait. There’s Whitehead.” He pointed up ahead, as they caught sight of the man getting out of his car.</p><p>“Let’s move in.” Hailey told him, momentarily disregarding their ongoing fight to do her job.</p><p>“5021-George, plain clothes officers on the scene at 7325 Calumet Ave. We’ve got eyes on our suspect, one Archer Whitehead. We’re in pursuit.” Jay spoke into his talking.</p><p>“Copy 5021-George.” “Go.” Jay confirmed, as he and Hailey jumped out of the truck and moved in on the suspect.</p><p>“Archer Whitehead.” Hailey called, gaining the tall redhead’s attention. “Chicago – HEY!” Jay released, as their suspect took off down the alley.</p><p>They both took off after his, guns drawn. “5021-HENRY, SUSPECT IS ON THE MOVE ON FOOT! WE’RE IN PURSUIT!” Hailey called into her radio, as she and Jay ran after their suspect.</p><p>Out of nowhere, the guy turned around with a gun at hand that neither of them had seen, and shot right at them. The three of them shot about five bullets each until Jay finally put him down.</p><p>But not before one went flying into Hailey’s pelvis, knocking her to the ground. “HAILEY!” Jay cried, running to her side.</p><p>“5021-GEORGE. WE GOT AN OFFICER DOWN. ROLL AN AMBO TO THE ALLEY AT THE CORNER OF SOUTH PRAIRIE AND EAST 70TH!” Jay shouted into his radio for anyone who could hear.</p><p>He all but ripped off her vest, then tore off a piece of fabric at the bottom of her shirt, using it to press on her wound. “Hold on for me, Hails. Help’s on the way.” Jay begged her.</p><p>Hailey fought to catch her breath, wincing at the pain in her torso. “Good news is… wasn’t you… this time…” She attempted. “Not funny, Hails.” Jay told her, fighting tears as she bled out under his hand.</p><p>He caught her eyes starting to shut, her body sweating bullets. “Hey, hey! You stay with me, Hailey Anne Upton, you understand me?” Jay commanded.</p><p>“But… I’m… tired.” Even with a bullet in her pelvis she was feisty. “You can sleep in surgery. Right now, you’re gonna look me in the eye, and you’re gonna stay awake.” He held her chin in his hand, looking right into her eyes.</p><p>And she fought to. Her gaze clinging to his. “That a girl. I can hear the ambo, Hails, they’re almost here. You just gotta stay with me a little longer.” Jay fought with her, squeezing her hand.</p><p>“You’re gonna be okay.” He told her, trying to convince them both. “I’m – sorry.” Hailey pushed out. “For the love of God, Hailey, just shut up, please.” He begged her, feeling her grow weaker with every word she got out.</p><p>What felt like eons later, but was actually a fairly quick surgery to remove the bullet lodged in Hailey’s pelvis, Will stepped into the waiting room and over to where Jay sat in anticipation.</p><p>The rest of the team had wanted to come down too, but with them all still wrapped up in the thick of the case, they’d stayed back at 21 with Jay texting them for updates.</p><p>“Hey, man.” His brother approached him. Jay immediately launched to his feet, looking to the doc with hope and question in his eyes.</p><p>Will nodded his head. “As we suspected, the bullet went into her pelvis but missed the organ. She also got lucky, and the bullet missed the bone, and took away risk of fracture. Dr. Marcel was able to stop the bleed, get it out and stitch her up.</p><p>Adam went in to see her soon as they got her settled.” Jay’s face dropped a little at that. Course, he did. I’ll come let you know when you can go see her.” Will told his little brother.</p><p>“Thanks, man.” Jay said to him, before sitting back down to text the rest of the team and let them know how Hailey was doing.</p><p>Just as Hailey was starting to come to, Adam walked into the room. “Hey, there she is.” He beamed at the blonde, as he came in and closed the door behind himself.</p><p>“Mm.” Hailey groaned, adjusting to the stiffness – well – everywhere so far. “Where’s – where’s Jay?” Hailey asked Adam, taking the officer aback at how little of a happy reaction he got from her.</p><p>“Jay? He – He’s in the waiting room downstairs.” Adam told her. “I wanna see him…” Hailey pushed out.</p><p>The look on his face told Hailey he was confused at her wanting Jay there instead of him. “Don’t give me that look… We slept together a couple times… I told you where my real feelings lay… and you said we should just – have some fun – till I got them – sorted.</p><p>I told you to – forget it… You said you wanted to – talk things through… showed up at my --- place… and kissed me, in front of Jay.” Hailey tried to get some air up her dry throat.</p><p>“I love him – Adam. That’s not gonna – change. Please just… leave – and get my partner.” Hailey begged him. And lucky for her, he chose not to fight her on it.</p><p>Adam stepped back out of the room and went down to the waiting room.</p><p>Hailey’s head perked up from where it had been laying against the pillow behind it, when a knock came at the door. She looked ahead to see Jay’s smiling face and lit up instantly.</p><p>“Hey…” She dropped. Jay stepped in further and over to her side. “Hey, yourself. You look great.” He teased, making his partner manage what she could of a laugh.</p><p>Jay took a seat in the chair that had been placed at her bedside, taking her hand in his. “I’m so sorry, Jay…” Hailey told him, making his brow furrow.</p><p>“This got … so out of hand so fast…” She told him. Jay’s thumb softly stroked the inside of her wrist in an effort to calm her down.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter, Hails. You’re all that matters right now.” Jay stopped her rambling before she knocked herself out again.</p><p>But Hailey shook her head. “No… You need to hear – the truth…” “Adam told me downstairs when he came to tell me you wanted to see me.” Jay cut her off again.</p><p>She raised a brow at that. “He did?” His partner asked him. “He did.” Jay confirmed.</p><p>“Said that he had more feelings for you than you reciprocated. Told me you tried to cut things off when you realized you had pretty big feelings for someone else, and he tried to hold onto you. But that it wasn’t gonna work, because you didn’t want the same things with the same people.” Jay explained.</p><p>Hailey chewed her lip and nodded her head. “I wanted to tell you… I just didn’t know how.” Her head dropped.</p><p>“Well, then, how about I start off by telling you what I wanted and tried to say the other night before Adam showed up?” Jay brought up.</p><p>“Okay?” Hailey’s brow raised, a severe thinking face spreading across her features. “The other night, you said that you know I’m always there.” Jay brought up.</p><p>Hailey nodded her head. “I’m always there, because I wanna be wherever you are. At 21, on stakeouts, at Molly’s, one of our apartments, Cork and Kerry… I’m at my best, and my happiest when I’m with you, or when I’m thinking about you.” Jay confessed, taking his partner completely aback.</p><p>“Hails…” He breathed, at the sight of the tears in her eyes. Hailey wrapped her fingers around Jay’s, squeezing his hand.</p><p>“So stupid…” She shook her head at herself. “Hey, no… It’s okay. Hailey, talk to me.” Jay encouraged softly.</p><p>She sniffled back a few more tears. “When I walked away from you in that ambo… the night you were shot. I broke down…like I haven’t ever before. I thought you were dead. Thought that… you were really gone… and I was never gonna see you – again.</p><p>But I didn’t think I… deserved you. So – I pushed down those feelings. Or I tried. And the second… I was with someone – else… It just felt so wrong… I just want – you.” Hailey rambled.</p><p>Jay wrapped both hands around her cheeks, pressing a soft kiss against her forehead, then wrapped both arms around her and hugged her as tight as he could without touching her torso wound.</p><p>Hailey dropped her head against his heartbeat, using its rhythm to calm herself down. “You’re mine, Hailey Anne Upton. You have been for three years.” She nodded her head against his chest, confirming his statement.</p><p>“Always.” The blonde told him, before a deep yawn overtook her.</p><p>“You should get some rest, babe.” Hailey raised a brow at him, a grin tugging at her lips. “Jay Halstead, pulling out the ‘babe’ card already?” She teased.</p><p>Jay chuckled. “Tell me you hate it, and you’ll never hear it again.” He challenged.</p><p>“Hm. Not likely.” Hailey told him, grinning adorably, her dimples full.</p><p>Jay took her adorable face in his hand, cupping her chin and kissing her softly, letting his lips dance along hers, and drink in the taste of her.</p><p>“Get some rest, Hails.” He then told her, tucking her comfortably into the hospital bed.</p><p>“Be here when I wake up?” She requested.</p><p>“There is only one person on earth I would suffer through being in a hospital for.” Jay told he, taking back his seat at her bedside.</p><p>Hailey beamed at him. “You say the sweetest things to me, Halstead.” She joked, feeling her slumber begin to takeover.</p><p>“Sleep tight, babe.” Jay breathed to her, taking her hand in his.</p>
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